Beyond Exhausted

I cried last night for the first time in quite awhile.

Exhausted:
a : to consume entirely : use up
b : to tire extremely or completely

Exhaustion has set in. The baby was awake from 1am to almost 4am.

I hate feeling so frustrated with him, of course he's just a baby, but I am SO tired. Beyond tired. Exhausted.
I actually think he just needed to let out some of his own frustrations. After being awake in the middle of the night for over 2 hours, I set him down and let him cry for about 1 minute. It was pitiful, but I knew he was tired and just couldn't relax. So, after about a minute I picked him up. He cuddled into me so tight, took a deep breath and fell asleep. It was the biggest relief ever, and we both slept until the alarm went off (which sadly was far too soon)

We talk about adding to our family, starting to try when the baby is a year old. I'm having my doubts. We are always told not to wait until you're ready to have a baby (or subsequent babies), and we aren't financially (because we never will be, of course) but I think I need to be able to catch up on some sleep first. Maybe when he's about 18 months old and sleeping on his own and has been sleeping through the night for the most part for about 6 months. I should feel "caught up" enough to get pregnant and be exhausted again.

Shitty Day at Eight A.M.

I'm really not feeling it today.
Nathan and I didn't sleep well, he kept waking up cranky for some reason. So, I'm exhuasted as a result.

We also left him with the new babysitter for the first time by herself today. I feel like I left him for the first time. He seemed very happy when she came in, went right to her. I don't get a bad vibe from her or anything...I just don't know her. And it makes me uneasy.

I'm sure the lack of sleep isn't helping my anxiety. And, to be honest, I've felt horrible quite a bit this past week.

But this too shall pass. It will be summer soon, I really hope I can spend more time outside this year. I probably won't, but a girl can dream.

Goodnight, Sleep Tight

Nathan slept in his crib for 3 hours last night.

We actually got in bed without him.

At first it felt weird, but good. Of course I'm used to him being next to me, but it is nice to spread out once and awhile. I sleep really good when someone else is watching him and I'm in bed. As time went on and I could feel him next to me, though, I started getting more uneasy. I only got up to check on him once, around 11. He woke up a bit after midnight and I scrambled in his room to scoop him up. I probably could have patted him back to sleep in there, but mama needs her sleep too and I wasn't going to get much apart from him!

I know it's good for him to start sleeping in his crib, after all, he can't sleep with us forever. And I really don't want a 4 year old in bed with us. But he's still little and I love hearing his little noises and cuddling with him and seeing his face as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. It really is the best feeling. In. The. World.

Maybe we'll try again tonight. Maybe I'll wait a few more days. They grow up fast and I don't want to make it go by faster than it has to.

Fuck

That is all.

I'm supposed to be getting a tattoo tomorrow. I've been wanting this tattoo since December, I had tried to get it for a couple months but the stars never aligned for me to get it done. Now I have an appointment, finally, but we really can't afford it. I'm being told to go ahead and get it but I don't want to screw ourselves in the process.
Fuck.

I wish he wasn't so stressed out from work. He doesn't mean to take it out on me, and maybe he doesn't and I just take it that way, but it sucks none the less. His communication skills have gone on a scale from 1-10 from about a 2 to a 7 or 8 though, which I'm very proud of. He doesn't always say it when he should, sometimes he waits until there are a few things on his mind and then dumps it off all at once, but it's a huge improvement. And that rocks.

Missing Out

It was the Respiratory Therapy Conference this week. Seeing pictures on facebook of all the people, 2 months away from graduating, makes me quite depressed.
Like I've said before, it's not that I'm not happy now. I don't think being in school and not having a baby would make me happier - Ideally I could do both.

Falling

I had been thinking about weaning myself off my antidepressant for a few weeks and Saturday I finally decided it was time.

THAT WAS DUMB.

I felt good yesterday, a little sleepy but when am I not? So I took my half dose again last night. DUMB AGAIN. I felt sleepy, and a little dizzy on my way in to work this morning. Now, I'm feeling sleepy, dizzy, and anxious because of the side effects. I feel like I'm falling. My eyes feel like they are moving faster than my sight can move. My brain tells my eyes to look down, they move, but my vision follows about a second later. It's a very bad feeling and isn't helping the dizziness.

I've weaned off antidepressants before. Cymbalta was horrible. I couldn't even miss a pill by a few hours or I would feel the way I do now. I've skipped what I'm on now before by mistake, and felt OK. Apparently it's the second day that does me in.

So, I'll get back on my regular dose for a few days and then try again, but with 3/4 of a pill as opposed to a half. My body is just not ready for that, so I'm not going to torture myself and do it. I can't wait to not be a prisoner to the drugs for awhile (probably until next fall), but I have to remember why I take them in the first place and that's to feel right.

Blue

I miss school. I always torture myself looking at pictures of the things they're doing - and seeing updates on how they have 63 more days until graduation.

Jealous.